Compassion; the best lubrication ever!

Compassion is the best lubrication in times of friction. When you feel compassion, you are in a healthy state of being. Without compassion and understanding, your relationship will suffer a great deal of damage.

by Külli Kittus

Compassion is your shield against the rough edges of personalities. When your heart goes out to another person, warm and kind feelings arise that can fill our hearts and mind. When people act defensive and counterproductive, that is because they are in an insecure state.

When you witness, these defensive behaviors, you can send your compassion to your partner instead of feeling resentment and defensiveness. Instead of focusing on the behavior, see beyond the behavior into the troubled state of mind that created it. Your understanding and compassion will help your partner feel more secure and rise his/her spirit. Compassion is the recognition that we all get effected by our low moods and negative thoughts. Your partner will show less frailty in the face of your compassionate response.

Your thoughts alone can cause incompatibility 

Our thoughts create our feelings, and our feelings will determine how we will respond to another. We all really want the same things; to be close to our partner and enjoy a sense of closeness and affinity.

When you feel close to your partner, even dissimilar values can be seen as complimentary. Emotional connections and warm feelings give people a positive outlook. Closeness in your relationship brings out the best in each person and inspires both partners to attend to the needs that are important to their mate.

When thoughts of incompatibility crosses your mind, it signals you are in a low mood. If you were in a high mood, you may see those differences as interesting and even endearing. When you feel close to your partner, you will entertain how compatible you are.

Today’s incompatibilities were yesterday’s refreshing differences. These differences represent an opportunity in which we can learn from each other.

Raise your mood when you feel your incompatibilities through doing some individual self-work, such as exercising, playing music and dancing, cooking and making something delicious, taking a walk, meditating and doing some breath work, journaling about how you can understand your partner and your own feelings better. Pay attention to how your feelings change about your partner once your mood improves.

The worse time to communicate is when you are feeling down

I have made this mistake countless times. When my spirit was low, I was most compelled to talk about things with my fiancé, and it leads to the worse conversations. If your mood is low and something in the relationship is off track, it is the worse time to talk about things! The quality of your relationship will drastically decrease when you communicate during times of distress.

This is because your communication will include low feelings that can hurt your union. The strength of your relationship is based upon the amount of the good will you have for one another. Every time you speak with your partner with ill feelings, you are weakening the strength of the relationship. When you communicate from the state of anger, sadness, or happiness, what you say can only be understood within the context of that state of mind.

Your level of closeness is your moment to moment measure of the progress of the conversation. There is no progress, if your discussion alienates its parties. Use your level of warm feelings towards one another as a compass to assess how well your discussion is progressing. If after a few minutes, you feel closer to your partner, you are on the right track. If you feel distant, stop, and tell your partner you will discuss this when you have enhanced your mood by doing some self-care work.

Conflicts occur when we are in a low mood

There is an evident connection between low moods and relationship dysfunction. When our mood is low, our thinking is negative and that is reflected on our perceptions and feelings at the moment.  If you trust those negative feelings At that moment, your life will turn for the worse. The best way to help a person who is in low mood is through compassion and understanding.

If you can maintain your sense of wellbeing, your partner will be able to connect with your calm energy for support. If you try to coax your partner out of it, you are likely to end up in a low mood yourself. Remember that nothing needs to be done for a low mood. Moods are like clouds, they come and go. When your partner is in a low mood, don’t hold anything they say against them or argue. Be understanding of their low mood and stay out of their way. When your own mood is low, engage in self-care, visualization, and cultivating compassion. Your mood can change at any moment, let it come and go.

Be well, be compassionate and love unconditionally,
Dr. Tara Rasta